Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
The bad news is tonight is also a blue moon, ergo, latin, I will have to get 'once in a blue moon' drunk which I feel is significantly more dangerous than IPO drunk
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I took did three shots of fireball and did and handstand. When I stood up some busty slut lead me my the hand down the hall into her dorm room.
But I'm sure your having and "a monumentally better time" repeating the 12th grade
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Randomize
