I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Randomize
