Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"
I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
Apparently, I showed up wrapped in caution tape and immediately jumped on the stripper pole and started making very sexual gestures at the birthday girl. We lasted ten minutes.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Yeah bro I don't know how she's gonna explain the black eye, how else do you tell your boss "my knee hit me in the face during sex last night"
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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