Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
Can I get my morals surgically removed?
Randomize
