if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Just got to her place. Her parents are here and are high as a kite.
Her father just game me a high 5 as they left the room. Her mom leaned in and said "this is a rebound thing"
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
