im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
No more parties with babies... I can't do that again.
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
Maybe he injected his testicle?
BRING THE BAGELS
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
Randomize
