i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
Randomize
