Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I want to be stormed in. I want to be stuck there. I want to climb a pyramid of strippers to safety
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
