Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Betty ford says i'm here all night
She described it as "a squirrel being hit by a hurricane"
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
