Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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