Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
all I got out of honors convocation is I've hooked up with a lot of smart guys
Hey can you explain why there's a dissected coconut in my purse????
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Sex in a tree, bucket list CHECK!
soo... how was my night?
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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