My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
He brought her home and fucked her in a gingerbread man costume in a cardboard rapunzel castle. He had a pretty good night.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Just watched a guy open his car door, puke, close it, and resume driving. Happy Monday.
Randomize
