i saw a guy balancing a black cat on his head last nite
get a pic
i tried he was too far away anotherguy was walking with paper bags on his feet explain that
i want ur life
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
shes rolling around in the floor yelling my vagina hates me
Randomize
