Raging hang over. 6AM finish. Shat on a bag of trash in an alley. D L that last bit.
I CAN MOONWALK!
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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