Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
"I wonder if vinegar is some sort of magical hangover cure" "...no I was definitely still drunk and drinking vinegar because I was thirsty"
Note to self:A blacklight toga party at a frat house is a bad idea. Some things cannot be unseen
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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