Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
We left the knife in your bed.
Pitting the remainder of the bottle against my hangover. I'm expecting an all out cage match for my soul and wellbeing.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
Randomize
