Midget sex pt 2 tonight
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
he said "be careful" then handed me a cheezit...
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
Randomize
