Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Nothing says happy gameday like waking up in only an ACC Championship shirt in the qb's bed with a different football player
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Just blew on a shot of whiskey to cool it off, like it was soup...
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