I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
The whorange rubbed off. His white shirt was so gross at the end of the night I told him to frame it.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
