eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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