I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I don't hate you. My dick is upset with you, but I don't hate you.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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