We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Good Morning! You are sterile right?
Shame - the story of my life.
Randomize
