I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
Randomize
