I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
You start to question your party girl tendencies when you're wearing the same shirt you wore the night before to work and you're trying to get last nights Jell-O shot off the sleeve on your way to work
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
