Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
Randomize
