Good news! Whoever used this stall at Target earlier...not pregnant!
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Really dude? drunk texts at 9 in the morning? its wednesday
Mom just walked in on a bj. IT'S WHATEVER.
Randomize
