I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Has anyone ever told you you're majestic like a sea turtle when you fuck?
And your cock privileges have been revoked.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
