I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
