i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Halfway through the blowjob she stopped and said 'Wait I know this dick'.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
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