Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Woke up in my boxers on a subway with a phone number written on my arm in lipstick..Best Night EVER.
Randomize
