I think i sorta joined a cult last night
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
If it makes you feel any better, I had my finger up some guy's butt today... Dominatrix training, ya know...
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Randomize
