My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
Well I walked the wrong way for a little bit and I don't remember if I fell asleep or not but I definitely laid down under the over pass for a while
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
I love her so much I can forgive her for wearing crocs
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
It's not even 8pm on a Friday and I've already got a guy to tell me how big his penis is. Watched anything good on Netflix lately?
Randomize
