I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
saw a family tailgating a graduation with hard liquor... i'm assuming yours?
are you shitting me? they told me they'd at least wait until 10am
Randomize
