Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
A baby just tried to pull out his mom's huge tits at work today and nearly succeeded. I was silently cheering for the little guy.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Randomize
