vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
Randomize
