You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Mixing coffee with vodka may have been a bad choice, I feel like I'm pregnant and the baby is trying to perform a c-section from the inside.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
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