Betty ford says i'm here all night
chicago's viagra triangle is not unlike the bermuda triangle in thatt things just get lost...... planes, ships, dignity, virginity, etc.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
This is stressing me out. I feel like I need to eat the dick.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
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