I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
Randomize
