; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent
my tonsil wound opened up during the kegstand but i stopped it with a popsicle
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
You have to summon your inner elephant
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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