Yo dont text me then not text me
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
He's the biggest piece of shit to ever exist. He's not even wearing shoes.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I'm two shots in and wandering around Barnes and Noble with $58 in singles.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
