I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
If I had to give her an idea on what it means to be ur date I would compare it to being Ralph macchio's gf in the first karate kid... That's one of the coolest things I've ever said... I love drugs.
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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