My room smells like vodka and shame
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
Randomize
