my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
i feel like even strangers are annoyed with me because of how drunk i was last night
she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
Did i actually sleep there? Or did i just get sand everywhere?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
You stumbled into the hotel room escorted by security and then went into the bathroom sat by the toilet, threw up for hours while slamming your head on the wall and whimpering "why" over and over.. I went to bed
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
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