Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
You texted me 'I am the leopard prince', with a series of pictures of you posing in what seemed like cat poses. you were not "a little bit" drunk dude..
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
