i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
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