you're like the ceasar milan of boners... you understand them on a different level.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Like Is it appropriate to tell your boss you banged a guy in the back of a truck at a wedding? Probably not.
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
And somehow i feel like your expectations will turn out to be illegal in some way.
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
