I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
