I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
Be careful, there is sex in the air.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
