Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
No it was the best sex I've had in months. Nothing turns me on more than getting rid of a boyfriend.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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