I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
When my card got declined you bought the vibrator without me even asking. This is what friendship is.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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