Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
My underwear smells like fireworks.
Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
You screamed "There's a potato in my anus" and proceeded to attempt to grind with the bouncer. Also, I'm pretty sure our Chem teacher was in the same bar as us.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
is buying liquor on my lunch break too aggressive?
So you're saying that I ended up challenging a dude to Uno then proceed to punch them in the face?
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize