I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
