Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
There was enough sluts here for 2 threesomes to happen at the same time, and you still struck out. What did you do to piss off karma so much?
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
Calm the fuck down fatty, you can add creme de menthe to a vanilla shake any time of the year
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
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