I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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