Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Awkward drunk fist bump with the boss. Not sure if tomorrow will be weird or wonderful.
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
