so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.
I don't know what to judge you more for.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
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